Am I the only one that finds it difficult to make friends with people?
Dave and I went out to a "thing" last night and were being introduced to some people. I found myself pulling at my clothes and my hair the whole time, very uncomfortable and completely at a loss for what to say to anyone. And of course, when my outgoing and super-friendly Dave would leave to go get something, or talk with someone else, and leave me alone to fend for myself--there were only awkward silences and "pretending" to be occupied. I was worrying about how I looked, about whether or not I was "fashionable" enough to be part of the group, or about how they probably thought everything that came out of my mouth was stupid. So I preferred to keep my mouth shut, smile, and let Dave do all the talking.
On the way home, I asked Dave if he thought I was shy. He said I definitaly am, and that I always act that way around new people. I guess I never had thought of myself that way. I've spent a lot of my life with the same people and never really needing anyone else. Dave, on the other hand, has always been very independant and networks easily. Like it's nothing.
On the one hand, I don't want to be talking and talking when I meet someone, because I always end up regretting everything that I say. Even now, I'm looking back at the few things I said last night and am asking myself what in the world I was thinking. My brain just doesn't screen things before I say them.
On the other hand, I don't like to be quiet, either, because that makes things so awkward and uncomfortable. It probably also makes me look like I'm very stuck up. And maybe I am. Dave told me that you have to be genuinly interested in people. When I told him I'm always afraid that they are judging and catogorizing me in their mind, he asked if I do that to other people....and I do. I don't mean to. The fact is, I don't like everyone. But regardless of whether I do or don't like them, I want them to like me. And because I have to have people like me, I panic when I'm "on stage". Dave is "on stage" for a living. He works in communications, and he's good at it. Why can't I be good at that?
Obviously, it's something for me to try working on. Genuinly being interested in people, and just being myself. And it doesn't matter if they like me or not. But I just never thought of myself as being "shy". Dang it!
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Yea... I think this is one of the down-sides to growing up in a large family... we get really comfortable with those we KNOW really well, and have a hard time branching out and getting to know new people.
ReplyDeleteIt's also hard to be genuinely interested in someone without sounding like you're prying into their private lives... In my opinion, all non-prying conversations revolve around the weather and politics. There's only so much you can say about the weather, and I hate politics... so I'm either prying, or standing in awkward silences.
(I will say though... kids are a bit of an icebreaker... so when you finally decide to have kids, you'll at least have one topic of conversation up your sleeve, provided the other people in the group also have children.)
One thing I always try to do is just ask question after question about the other person. Most people love to talk about themselves, so they will generally answer your questions fully and sometimes ask you some back. Sometimes if I'm really nervous about a sales appointment or a situation I'm going into, I'll even do the silly exercise of making a list of topics to ask about.
ReplyDeleteI start conversations with things like:
"So what do you do?", or a variation "What did you do before this job?"
"Did you grow up here?" (almost always leads them to open up about their family, which gives you tons of options to expand on)
"How was your Christmas/Thanksgiving/Easter/4th of July/Weekend?"
And here's a question suggestion from Mike:
"I love lamp. Do you love lamp?"
Another fantastic technique is to compliment someone.
"I really like your tie"
"Where'd you get your shirt? Oh, I love that store!"
Bottom line is, I think Dave's right. You need to be genuinely interested in people. But even if you're not at first, pretend that you are, and that you care. Then you'll find yourself doing it in random places like the grocery store.
Think back when people have started up conversations with you randomly... you didn't judge them, you were probably impressed at how confident they were. Don't be so hard on yourself, just act like you're confident until you are.